Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
