Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
handjob tips. give me some.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
