You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
