My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
