i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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