dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
