new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Success! We fucked roommates!
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