I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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