you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
