I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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