All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
