do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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