She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
