I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
