I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
