Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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