she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
