I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize