He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
