i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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