i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
