I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
