We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
