i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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