I hate all girls vehemently.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
