i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
