You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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