ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
