In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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