everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
