just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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