I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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