watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
