This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize