he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize