why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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