and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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