when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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