A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
