Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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