just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
