Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
