God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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