I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
