I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
