i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
