Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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