There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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