I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
