im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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