He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Congratulations! We have a period
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