dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize