sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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