my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
