so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
