she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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