how can u be prego again
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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