The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
