Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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