I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
