i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
