i may or may not be watching the land before time
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is classic penis vs brain.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize